Sue Gillies-Bradley, M.Ed is a Registered Psychologist and has provided counseling and support to individuals and couples for over 15 years.  

Living and working in Canmore, Alberta for the past 7 years, Sue uses her extensive training and warm approach to provide a positive, supportive counseling experience. 

Through the counseling process, clients have opportunities to recognize and acknowledge issues, gain insight and move towards healthy, fulfilling changes.

If you attended the “Balance, Boundaries and Blahniks” seminar on June 21st – first of all, thank you!  If are looking for the article entitled “Things I Should(n’t) Be Doing”, click  here.  You’ll find the article as well as some other potentially valuable tips. 

Everyone loves a wedding, especially in the sunshine of summer.  And every bride loves to organize the “perfect” wedding (if there is any such thing…).  However, sometimes couples can get caught up in the celebration and lose what is truly important – the marriage.  I am a true believer in being prepared - in travel, life and in relationships.  The more you talk about potential issues before you are married (or make any kind of life commitment) , the better chance you have of resolving conflict more quickly and easily when it occurs.  And it will occur – conflict will happen, when two different people share their space, their time and their life. 

There are a few strategies to remember when preparing to live the rest of your life with one partner and I like to sum them up as the “three C’s”: Consciousness, Communication and Connection. 

Consciousness:
What this really means is pay attention.  Any long-term relationship is work and requires time and energy.  Don’t assume because you have claimed undying love for each other, that you will always know what your partner needs or even what you need. 

• Meet Your Own Needs:  You deserve time to yourself and the space to be independent from the relationship.  This means keeping your own support network and exploring your own interests.
• Help Your Partner Meet Their Needs: If you need your own time, so do they.  When you both feel comfortable with yourselves as individuals, you will be able to have a stronger partnership when you are together.  
• “Check-in”:  This can happen on a daily, or at least weekly basis. The check-in is an update not just on what’s happening in your lives but on what is going on emotionally and what you need from each other to feel happy and complete. 

Communication
Establish positive, healthy communication strategies early in your relationship.  Work to build a foundation of honesty and openness.

• Fight Fair: if you focus on your partner’s behaviour with judgement and criticism, they will feel the need to protect themselves.  Typical behavior will be to either withdraw, defend or counter-attack.  None of  these is productive in resolving conflict. 
• Use “I statements”.  Every book on communication stresses this strategy, for good reason – it works.  Focus on the message that you want your partner to hear.  What do you need them to know about how you are feeling and what you need from them? 
• Remember the Power of Language: what you say has meaning.  I advise couples to try avoid the use of words like “should” “always” and “never”. 
• Be clear on the 4 “volcano” topics:  There are 4 areas that couples want to discuss before they live together or get married, otherwise they have the potential to “erupt”.  It’s important to know your partner’s values and feelings and understand their perspective even if you don’t completely agree.  These topics are: sex, finances, family (includes both family of origin and children) and household responsibilities.  You can never talk too much about these issues! 
• Reinforce the positive:  we all need to be validated and supported for what we are doing well.  Make sure to let your partner know often how and why you appreciate them. 

Connection
The most important element of a relationship is the ability to work as a team.  This means you can make important decisions together, and move through challenges such as parenting, financial difficulties and other potential conflicts.  In order to act like a team, you need to feel close to your partner, you need to want to be around them. 

• Emotional connection: sharing our thoughts, feelings, ideas and interests helps us to feel bonded in a relationship.  When there is emotional connecton, all the other forms of connection feel easier.
• Physical connection: there’s no denying that a healthy sex life, one that is satisfying for both partners, is a significant part of a relationship.  But other forms of physical intimacy are also important – such as hugs, kisses or  holding hands.
• Social connection: or simply, having fun.  Sharing common interests, enjoying each other’s company is vitally important in feeling connected.  Almost every counsellor talks about some variation of the “date night”,  I’m no different.  Life is hectic, we tend to take our partners for granted, and sometimes you have to schedule specific time dedicated to staying close to your partner.  A “date night” doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive, it can be as simple as making dinner together or watching your favorite t.v. show.  As long as it’s together. 
• What’s your foundation?  Remind yourself of why you are with your partner – what do you love about them, what attracted you to them.  What gives your relationship strength?  Sharing this with your partner makes them feel loved and we all need to feel that. 

Relationships are work, especially when you are preparing to spend the rest of your life with one person.  The rewards are worth it – feeling safe, special, important and loved.   When you’ve made that commitment, you both deserve to celebrate – the day (the wedding) and the rest of your life (the marriage).

Because I’ve been thinking about weddings and preparing for marriage, I decided to review a new book that I plan to use in my couples counselling sessions.  Building a Love That Lasts is a realistic, practical overview of what it takes to make a relationship work and last.  This is a book that a couple could potentially read and work through together. 
The concept of the book is “The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage” and I like the idea that every chapter reviews a “secret”.  Within each chapter, the authors ( a married couple) descripe the concepts, give concrete examples from actual relationships and, my favorite part, give advice about how to implement the concept into your life and relationship. 

I particularly liked the following secrets:

Secret #2: No Sacred Cows.  This chapter is all about sharing yourself and your insights and trusting your partner.  This includes advice on “practicing acceptance” (of yourself AND your partner).

Secret #4: Your Body is Your Castle: How you take care of yourself impacts how you take care of your relationship and also how you can accept love in your relationship.  This chapter includes the advice to “laugh often”.

Secret #7: Beyond Boring.  Your relationship should evolve and grow just as you evolve and grow as individuals.  One of the advice tips is to “try a new sport together”.

I always appreciate books that have exercises and ways to practice what you have learned.  The end of the book has a “Seven-Week Program for Developing Ongoing Sharing” which consists of sets of open-ended sentences to complete and share with your partner.  This exercise will be a valuable tool I plan to utilize in my counselling practice but it is also possible for couples to practice on their own.